Well, I had kind of a revelation yesterday, about why I've been feeling so crappy.  Reaction to some meds, which I should have thought of sooner.  I'm kinda thinking...."Duh, Bonnie."  Good news is that I'm not taking them anymore, and so should only take a few weeks for things to settle back down.  So, I shall hang on till then. 

I'm up at a Christian Summer Camp that some of my extended family run, this week.   Seriously having a super duper time.  My grandma's lived up here for just about forever, and so 'going to Grandma's house', was coming up here.  Good memories, and lots of super peaceful feelings.  Good safe place to be.  I'm kinda of hungry though, and I can't find any food.  Alright, any decent sort of food, anyway.  It's a mystery....!

So.......la la la la la

Reading a new book that's got me thinking, but I think I need to ponder a bit more and decide how convicted I really am about it. Oh, ouch!  Hm, that truth hurt a bit.... 

Hmm.... I am now online in my very own house....thanks to this guy that I'm starting to adore.....

Feel pretty exausted right now.  Long day putting together scrapbook packets for a girls camp I'm teaching at next week.  I'm pretty sick of cutting paper right now!

So, I've been having these werid panic sort of times in the last couple of weeks.  The physical reactions are really strange.  I start out just feeling frustrated, and upset, and have to really talk to myself to not overreact to feeling that way....which usually I can manage for a bit of time. Then, it's like it's all too much.   I feel disconnected from anything that's going on around me.  Today I was driving, and probably should have stopped, because it was really taking a lot of effort to pay attention to my driving.  I just wanted to get home, though.  Anyway.....it kind of reminds me a little bit of a buzz, although that's a pretty happy disconnected feeling....and this seems like all I can think of is "I've got to get away from this".  "This", just seems to be my thoughts, my feelings....my life.  It is so extreme, and maybe it's that intense desperation is what's making me panic.  I just feel so out of control.  I actually just sit and tell myself to breathe.

I've been having more depression, through the day.  Having a really hard time getting up in the morning.  Want to sleep all the time.  Feels like everything takes a lot of effort.  Everything feels hard.  But...times of peace, too.  Times that I am ok, and sometimes even good.  But there used to be more of those times, and not so many of the 'heavy' times. 

It feels overwhelming to try and be 'great', right now.  I'm working on at least being 'ok', and not desperate to run away from the panic.

I sit.  I think about my breath going in and out. I hear the sounds around me.  I picture myself holding His hand.  He's sitting with me.  Also breathing.  And listening to the sounds of life around us. 

Breathe....I'll just breathe.....

"I'm drifting farther away from my destiny."  (Natile Grant. See last post.)

I have been thinking quite a bit about these lyrics.... My original thoughts about destiny were that destiny is some ultimate role that I was made for,  something along the lines of living in a way that honors God. Making choices that Christ would make.  Pointing people to God. And then, a choice:  Will I or will I not choose this destiny?  . 

Most of the dictionary defintions I've found though, don't leave the option of choice.   These definitions say there that perhaps there is a matter of choice in timing, but ultimately, one will follow his destiny. 

Webster's:  1. an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the futuresomething to which a person or thing is destined.  2 : a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.  3.  The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particualr person or thing is destined; one's lot. 

What a strange stir of emtions inside, as I ponder that!  I am enthralled at the idea that little me could have a "destiny".  There is awe...there is wonder....could it be?

I love stories of secret identities....Peter Parker....Simon Templar....Matt Murdock...Harry Tasker...Sydney Bristo...Jason Borne...to be more than the daily routines of my life....to be able to acheive and achomplish great things in despirate moments.  To be the one called upon when the stakes are so high. 

And yet...there is resisting.  What if I don't like this destiny?  Do I really not have a choice?  Is it really only a matter of time before I must give in to a  path ordained for me?  What if this destiny is not an honor, but a burden?  What if I can't do it....what if I just mess things up?

The questions that asks of each of us:  Do I have what it takes?  Am I that hero?  Could I be? Dare I put on the cape, and believe in myself .....and then fail?  Is is worth it?  Maybe I should just not expect so much of myself.  A struggle....how can I quiet the longing in me to leap buildings and fly through the air...

A purpose, a destiny?  I suppose it follows our greatest commandment: "Love the God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."  Not just my emotional feelings of effection, but following through with my actions.  Do I have a destiny more specific to my person, than this one?  I don't know.  Perhaps.  But I do know that this one alone gives me plenty to work on!

Do I have a choice?  I believe that we have free will in our choices.  I don't fully understand all the theology between having man having free-will, and yet God being soverign.  I can't really explain it well, but He says it is true, and I do believe it. 

So, I have purpose, I have destiny.  And will I follow it? Am I resigned, or do I embrace it?

 As I watch Peter Parker throw away his mask and suit, I do not begrudge him his relief.  Even when I can anticipate what will happen, that he truely can not be happy when he is not living as he is made to live...to settle for a mediocere life when he could be great....I understand why he does it.  I also have been resisting of my destiny in recent days.   Sometimes the requirements feel like too much of a burden.  I would like to just do what I want.  And though a part of me could anticipate that it would not be worth it, I manage to convince myself that it really won't matter.   Until that, "moment of clarity".  The realization and opening of my eyes to see what damage is being done around me.  How do I convince myself that it's just me that matters if I don't follow such a high standard.  What a lie!  To see people suffer, directly, and indirectly as a result of my weakness....oh, agony!  It is so not worth it!  I am not happy, and even if I could be, I could not live seeing such cost to people around me.  It is not an idenity I can pick and choose when I would like.  Either Spiderman is always ready to leap...or he loses his skills to accomplish great things.  Skills that are perfected and made ready by regular use.  And why must such damage be done before I can see clearly?  Bittersweet, that it takes such suffering to bring me to my senses.  

And so...damage done.  Hurt caused.  Senses returned.  There really is not a choice.  And realizing that to such extent makes me embrace this destiny. 

Not resignation....but exceptance.   

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."  William Jennings Bryan.